Blog

‘Confidence’ comes from the Latin word fidere, meaning ‘to trust’. Self- confidence basically means to trust or to have faith in oneself.

So to act with confidence requires self-confidence. These tips will deliver that self-confidence you seek so that you can act with confidence and find your success!

Yes, confidence will result in more success in life.

A confident person is able to act on opportunities, rise to new challenges, take control of difficult situations, and accept responsibility and criticism if things go wrong.

They are able to act in a way that outwardly gives the impression of experience, expertise, knowledge, even mastery, regardless of the situation.

YOU are that person! You just don’t know it yet. That is correct, you have everything in you right now, that you need to be the confident person you desire to be, you just need a little help reconnecting with that part of yourself.

Have you ever noticed that children are naturally confident. They ask and get what they want, or at least they try to.

Have you ever seen a child want something? They keep asking and asking until they get it. It doesn’t matter if it’s an expensive bike or a new doll or favorite food.

They are energetically creative in influencing anyone who can help them get what they want.

We are all naturally like that, but somewhere along the way, people started opposing our actions. For some of us that meant becoming shy, while for others it meant losing their natural self-confidence.

The good news is that you can tap back into that confidence if you want

So let’s get you started. Here are my five most important tips to help you become more confident right now. Remember, Confidence is NOT a switch you turn on and off, it is a habit you develop which gets more powerful and impactful, the more often you utilise it.

So start using these tips right away and use them often. Before you know it, you will be confident, not just acting, but actually confident!

Let’s GO!

1.    Challenge your own bull (Stop predicting the future)

Confidence by definition requires you to trust and believe in yourself. One of the quickest ways to undermine this trust and belief is to listen to the little voice in your head. You know the one I mean. That little voice which second guesses and starts to tell you what is going to happen next.

Ever said any of these before?

• I am going to look stupid
• They are going to laugh at me.
• What if nobody turns up?
• What if I say the wrong thing?

I know I have and a whole lot more! It doesn’t leave you feeling very confident when you start to listen to this self-talk does it? But you know what? If you start to think this way, you feel this way, you then act this way and then . . . . . yep, you are seen this way!

The good news is that you can stop this cycle right up front.

Call yourself out.

Hey voice in my head! That is a load of bull! You know why you can say that and know it is true?? Answer me these questions;

• Has the event happened yet?
• Is that your intended outcome?
• Can you predict the future? (if yes, why haven’t you won lotto yet?)
• Are you basing the thoughts on past experiences?
• Do you have control over right now and the ability to influence, change and do things differently?

Ok. Based on the answers you just gave; can you see the problem with your thinking?

This is called self-limiting thought. It is exactly as it’s called, self-limiting and it achieves the exact opposite of confidence, self-belief and trust!

So challenge your voices in your head with rational questions. Argue, fight and demand they change their focus, for you are in control of the now and that is what will determine the outcomes which are yet to occur!

a baby eagle said, “mother, I am scared, what if I fall” and the mother replied “but my dear, what if you fly!” and the eagle soared above the clouds.

2.   Change what you can.

Confidence comes from knowing what you can control and focusing on where you can make a difference here and now.

Confident people know they cannot change the past. They know that worrying about what might happen in the future is futile as this is yet to occur, but they can change the future by acting in the present. They make daily choices that lead them toward the future they want to live out.

So don’t waste time or energy trying to control or change things that are beyond your influence. Focus your attention and energy impacting the things you can control.

If you don’t have the knowledge, you can go and seek it out. If you don’t have the time, you can create the time and prioritise. You feel overwhelmed? Plan, prioritise, simplify, cut excess, drop unhelpful activities, all things which you control.

Control gives you confidence and trust through your own actions!

3.   No such thing as failure

One of the most common and destructive fears we have is that of failure. This fear is directly driven by some of self-limiting thoughts mentioned previously in this report. The fear of failure is either driven from an experience, or worry about an outcome which has not occurred. It may also be fueled by fears of letting others down, a need for gratification or acknowledgement which is threatened or any number of things where you don’t meet an expectation.

I will take you back to the first tip, mindset. If we are working to address our mindset so that we are growth mindset focused, then if we do fail, it should be a lesson. A way that we can learn how not to do something and then a lead to try again.

Even the most successful people have challenging beliefs and fears about themselves and about what might happen. The biggest difference between these people and you, is they choose to focus on their strengths and the learning opportunities instead of allowing anything less than success to label or define them.

Failure is a pathway to a new set of actions. It does not define us, it does not label us, it simply provides us feedback on how not to achieve the outcome we desire.

Once you realise that there is no shame, no label, no outcome other than that which you create, you have confidence that you can act now, win, learn or draw, you will either have success or valuable knowledge about how to do something better! This is how you trust in yourself. This is Confidence.

4.   Stop comparing yourself to others.

One of the worst thing you can do for your confidence is compare yourself to others.

Consider this. How much of your life do you share with your partner? Now, how much do you share with your work colleagues? What about with your closest group of friends? Now what do you tell the guy at the counter in the local shops?

I would bet my house you have different levels of detail and very different topics you would discuss with each of those groups. So when you compare yourself to someone else, it’s like comparing two icebergs. You just never know what is hidden under the surface.

Remember that you’re seeing the surface of their lives, not the underlying reality. Focus instead on what’s important–your own strengths and goals. Otherwise you end up making judgements about them and even more harmful, comparative judgements about yourself! Yep, there is that little voice again!

“It is the habit of self-judgment, more than the judgment itself, that characterises people with low self-confidence and low self-esteem.”

It’s that habit of going into your mind and demanding reassurance that you are good, equal or worthy in comparison to others or your own expectations that is the root of low self-esteem, and low confidence. We need to understand our own point of judgement.

One thing I’ve noticed about people with low confidence is that they tend to be unnecessarily harsh on judging, of ascribing “good” and “bad” to situations or people.

When we judge others, we implicitly open ourselves up to the same judgements. When we suspend judgment, and accept others, make it easier to accept ourselves.

Labeling things as “good” or “bad” is often just lazy thinking, especially when we apply that judgement to ourselves.

Remember back to all we have covered already on mindset, failure and predicting the future outcomes of events.

Confidence is more than how you think about yourself

It probably sounds like confidence is all in your head. Well, it is much more than that. Confidence is also about communication. How you communicate to others, and also how you communicate with yourself!

If you think back to a time when you had worries and they weighed you down. Do you remember how this felt? Now how does your body react to that feeling?

Do you slouch over, forward, rounding your shoulders, head drops, mouth drops, chest tightens up and your breathing shallows? Feel it? It doesn’t radiate a persona of confidence when you look and feel like that!

Did you know you can “act” your way into confidence? That’s right, you may not feel it right away, but you can “act as if” and before you know it, you start to feel as if, then wow – You actually are operating with confidence. This is driven purely by communication a different way to your own body, which then changes how you are thinking and feeling.

Stand tall, shoulders back and chest tall. Chin up. Take a deep breath, filling up your diaphragm expanding your ribs to their maximum capacity and then exhale slowly and controlled. Do this 4 times.

Smile. Make it touch the corners of your eyes.

Stand tall.

I know this feels different to the hunched over, slouching shallow position you may have been in earlier! Do this process and walk tall and feel yourself change in how you feel.

This isn’t some BS, the body reacts to positive posture and can release matching hormones and chemicals to promote the need to “be confident” so don’t fight your biology!

5.   Positive Self Talk

Everyone has, in the back of their minds, an image of themselves. This image is not the real you, it is a model, an idea of yourself that has been built up over time and often controls your behaviour. This image is usually shaped more by our experiences in childhood / adolescents than a rational assessment of who we really are today.

Things like changing your style up and dressing a bit better can improve your confidence by improving your self-image. But simply being aware of your self-image, how you let it affect you, is an important step towards changing how you feel about yourself, your own labels and your confidence.

Boosting your confidence requires you to find positivity in life. Look at the silver lining in every situation, and distance yourself from those who make you feel worthless. There will be many people who will be unhappy by seeing your success. It is important to filter out such people from your life or at worst, minimize their impact.

You do not need anyone who isn’t cheering you on. Especially between your own two ears!

“Filter all negativity to produce positive ripples.” –Anonymous

Negative people aren’t the only ones you need to get rid of; you also need to stop thinking negatively. Think positively, and believe that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Having a positive mindset helps in developing confidence, especially when you start to believe in the positive intent.

Have you ever wondered how some of the most successful names to date have managed to remain in the field, even when faced with criticism? The answer is simple; they have surrounded themselves with people who bring out the best in them. You need to do the same.

Do you remember a time you felt fear about doing something? But you did it anyway. How did this make you feel?

How often do you recall that event and remind yourself of THAT feeling?

Positive affirmation is a powerful tool to help you challenge all of those barriers and limiting beliefs you have established over your life.

Self-confidence isn’t the impression you give others but how you feel about yourself. It’s all about who you are, where you are, and where you want to be in your own life and leadership. So applying a lot of positive, yet realistic enforcement to your day can go a long way to changing your confidence and your approach to the world around you.

In a super short summary, YOU becoming a confident person means:

• Have positive yet ‘realistic’ expectations.
• Have faith in your own abilities.
• Be comfortable with uncertainty.
• Know you can handle failure if it happens (it’s a lesson).
• Believe you can cope with challenge; not necessarily succeed in everything – there’s a difference!
• Don’t feel you have to conform in order to be accepted.
• You are willing to risk the disapproval of others because YOU trust your own judgement.
• Don’t need the approval of others to feel valuable, hence you won’t see a failure as a personal judgement about you.
• Don’t take things too seriously or personally lessons learned are positive.
• Make others feel good about themselves.

Until next time…. Coach Vaughan

Author: Vaughan Carder (B.A Humanities)

Master Coach